


Deviation

by shibemythri



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Androids, F/M, Gen, I Don't Even Know, Rook is an emotional wreck, S-Q is best boi, The Leo relationship is very minor I swear, but hear me out-, deviant, okay I lied, reader - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-20 10:26:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15532227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shibemythri/pseuds/shibemythri
Summary: A tale of deviation and loss, what happens when you lose everything and have to rebuild your world from the remains. What happens when it's too much and one becomes two?





	1. Prologue: A Dream mixes with the past.

‘Stay out of the building Rook, I don’t think it’s safe,’ S-Q warned her, whispering softly in ear; all calm and orderly as he kept her body flush against the wall with an outstretched hand of scars, bumps, burns, and blood underneath the nails, holding her back from going any further. Why had they stopped?

‘What’s going on?’

‘I don’t know, but it isn’t safe.’

‘You sure? Did you see anything?’ She questioned, pointing her gun down as she watched the colors change. Blue turned to yellow then red. It blinked as the world lost purpose, it was brighter than any light she’d ever seen before. Something was bothering him. Something big. His eyes were unfocused as the others marched forward, ignoring their existence without even a thought. Not even giving them a second glance as they passed by. 

Still, all she could do was stare at her comrade, curious and lost as he stumbled out a reply that didn’t… quite… sound right.

‘No.’

‘No?’ She repeated, questioning his tone as she ran a hand over her forehead; the sun beat against her skin like a beacon. There was no doubt that she would end up with some kind of cancer or sunburn before the day ended.

‘No, I… I can’t explain it. I- I Just… feel…’ He paused, his hand gripping her name, clutching it, knuckles white and eyes lost in thought. His face kept contorting and shifting as she stared up at him from her spot, confused.

‘ **I… feel.** ’

_**I feel.** _

The words possessed so much more meaning then she could have ever possibly known as he took a step back, searching for the big picture and only seeing her, held in a vice, curious and confused. At this moment, everything was so much more than it ever was.

‘You.. you feel?’ Somehow those words both terrified and overjoyed her as she stared up at him… If only she knew.

~~_**If only she had known.** _ ~~

‘Yeah…’ He smiled, nodding- not explaining. The red swirled around more and more, something definitely wasn’t right. But, she wasn’t one to question it. Didn’t want to. So she listened, nodding her head when she thought it appropriate.

‘Just… Stay with me.’

Nod.

‘Please Rook?’

**Of course** , she wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come out, so she kept on nodding- trying to get her point across. It was getting hotter, her collar was tight around her throat.

‘ _ **Please... please don’t leave me**_.’ Again, she nodded- every word she wanted to say, now, was stuck in her throat as her smile started to hurt.

‘Just… stay here with me, we’ll be safe here together. I promise.’

‘I promise…’

Every word out of his mouth broke her just a little bit more, and she didn’t know why that was. Why she felt this way as S-Q continued to beg, his hands stuck in fists as he held her in place, where she couldn’t move- couldn’t disagree- even if she wanted to. So all she could do was reflect.

Why was it that every syllable that left his lips made her want to curl up in a corner and die in a fire? It made the question things she didn’t want to think about, or ever wanted to know existed in good consciousness. Why did she stay? Why was this the moment of change for her? Why did the world seem wrong as they stared back at one another? Neither moved, he looked at her with those big doe eyes of his and waited.

_And waited._

** And waited. **

Waited until even with the silence around them was suffocating. Air was hard to come by as the world went upside down.

So... what could she do in a time like this?

‘Of course Big Guy, why would I leave you?’ She forced every syllable out of her mouth, even when her throat turned raw from the effort. The big question was left unanswered, but not all was lost. Red turned back to blue when she remained there, at his side. Calm.

For once the words she wanted to say hadn’t left her speechless and frigid. A calm she missed dearly came between the two as his free hand groped the dog tag around her neck, his gun mysteriously nowhere to be seen. Strange… Eventually, S-Q’s grip lightened, but her heart didn’t stop.

It beat wildly in her chest as the two finally moved down the line together again. It made her brain start to tic, to think...about this… moment.

They’d been close before, even talked about things neither had any real business ever knowing, politics, ways to end world hunger and achieve world peace. Their solutions had always been farfetched, however, at the time it was just harmless fun. Two birds singing just to sing. She liked to tell him about home, he liked to listen to her ramble, and believe you me- she could go on about all the little things for days. It was all so much fun her first tour as tech. Shooting shit and getting weepy when the going went rough. Always had an ear to complain to, even if he was asleep. That was as normal and nondescript as anyone in their situations could have hoped for.

But, why did this moment seem so different? So focused and clear? Why did her heart hurt so much when they reached that door? Like she never wanted to reach the goal, complete her mission. She just wanted to stay.

Stay here.

Wait, what was she thinking? They couldn’t, shouldn’t- they needed to go. Needed to finish the mission and go back to camp so that they could send in their reports. Yet, the desire to go made her feet turn to lead and for her knees to become jelly.

‘They’re leaving us behind.’

‘What?’ Her eyes widened as she looked back up at him, his jaw ticked oddly when the others walked right on by, never turning to stop for them, just vanishing into the shadows; leaving them alone on the street, by the door. He was right, as each man stepped inside they ended up further and further away from the squad. A part of her wanted to follow them too, wanted to know what was beyond that doorway. Another wanted to stay here in the sun, where she was warm and safe.

Where they could stay together.

‘S-Q I don’t know… I thought you said that you wanted to-’

‘I know… but it’s our time.’

‘Our time?’

‘Yes, we have to move on.’

‘What if I get lost?’

‘I’ll find you.’

**I’ll find you**.

Those words were haunting, final and sincere. So, why did it hurt so much? Why did it feel like she’d missed something, something important…?

His hand was warm against her heart as she watched the last man walk in- right into the unknown without a second thought. He was a red-haired boy, no older than twenty-two, covered in freckles and bruises. She’d seen him at camp before- but never said more than a few words, greetings and goodbyes mostly. She knew that she knew him. Part of her knew that the words to his name were at the tip of her tongue. Biting at her lips as she watched him go. Sadly, however, the words never came past her lips. She couldn’t remember him, she wished that she did, wish that she had stopped him. Now it was too late.

S-Q moved towards the door, leading her forward- into the unknown with little gravitas or fanfare. He was still an arm’s length away when it happened.

Before they had stepped inside, she had decided that it would be a good idea to peak through what might have once been the remains of a window; while her companion pointed his gun inside, scoping the place out from the entrance. It would have taken just a glance, just a second. She thought that she was safe. She couldn’t see much from the window- save that it was filled with a dense fog that danced in the dust- and that wasn’t the strangest thing.

While it was too dark for her to see where the others that had gone on ahead were. It was just bright enough to catch sight of broken glass, rubble, and tall shadows dancing at the edges of her field or vision. In the middle of the room, she swore she saw an outstretched hand, beaconing her.

Then there was nothing, just shadow, and trash.

Was it a trick of the eye?

She turned, words on her lips once again as she went to ask S-Q if he saw anything, only to find herself alone.

She stopped.

The doorway was empty, free of that hulking blue-blood and his calming presence. All that was left for her of him was his gun, abandoned on the ground with the trigger stuck. It was still warm and strangely wet, squelching in the puddle of wet blue sand as she toed it with her boot. She couldn’t hear a thing, the streets were cold and empty- and now? Very uninviting as she looked into the building for any sign of him.

She felt lost without him.

‘S-Q..?’ Hesitantly she called for him, one foot inside the room as she looked for him. Raising her gun, terrified of just what might have taken him.

In the dark she saw lights looking down on her, watching her every thought and breath as she remained stuck in her spot. Unable to make that next step, from crossing over to the other side.

‘Rook- no!’

One moment she was standing, the next she was on her back, the sun in her eyes as she tried to remember just where she was. It flooded back to her in waves, patrol, search for targets, do not engage, return to base. But something had gone wrong. Something she could never escape from.

What was really going on? Sand rubbed in all the wrong places as she shuffled on her ass further and further from the door. An obnoxious ringing pierced the air as she lay there. Her body convulsed as pain flooded her system, her leg- she couldn’t feel her leg. This wasn’t right! This wasn’t good. She tried to move- tried to stand. Tried and tried and tried! But, every attempt ended with her on the ground- flopping worse than a fish. Her lips moved, she called for her friend, called for S-Q.

When the ringing got worse, and the pain made the world start to go black- she swore that she could hear voices, screaming, calling, begging. Each one sang in her mind as the clouds above turned into faces, names, letters, and numbers. A thousand tales spoke through her mind all at once. All of them cried out their woes as the sun turned into a single, pinprick-sized star, left in the middle of the void that took over. Her head started to roll.

She blinked. The star got smaller.

**Then… then there was nothing.**


	2. Waking up to new possibilities

She woke up several times to lights, bright and blinding, it made everything spin in place. One moment she swore that she could see the sky, the next she saw shifting faces that meant nothing, hands that clutched hers, a lab- filled with blue and red blotches, silver eyes- smiling as the world turned grainy, needles that pricked, lights that hummed and burned if she stared at them for too long, and tiles… hundreds of them that dipped in the middle, filled with thousands of little specks all over them.

It was all so… disorientating.

The woman didn’t know up from down, right from left, in from out- all she could see at the end, when the flashes finally stayed still, in the end, was a sterile room; white walls that seemed cold and uninviting, a curtain that was stuck oddly, and blue bedding- that smelled like ancient vomit and it scratched her skin something awful.

All she could hear was a steady beeping. It reminded her of something she couldn’t quite place, just that she hated it. Hated it with her entire being. Plugging away at her side, keeping count for her when she really just wanted to forget and know everything going on at the same time. A hypocritical paradox that looped in her mind. Processing useless data and spitting it back out, corrupting her mind.

She had wanted to forget about the swirling faces- to know who they were, what the words that made her want to scream were and why, the warm- bloodied hand on her name and the blinking lights that swirled in the dark seemed so real as they ghosted her skin. Why red and blue shifted into purple as the man she knew changed to little more than a blurry blob in the dark, features indistinct, name now all she had as the rest of him faded from memory.

Yet, selfishly she wanted to know. To know everything, every little question that popped into her head: where she was, why she was here, how did she get here, and what happened to her. If she wasn’t so preoccupied with all of this information overloading her system- she probably wouldn’t have minded the sound so much. If had been anyone else, if this wasn’t her first few moments since regaining consciousness...

Beep.

_Beep._

**Beep.**

God damn it! It was so annoying, constant and hollow, quickly ticking away at all the bits and pieces of sense that might have still been in her head. Her face would contort and her eyes would burn from the force. She was upset, impossibly upset. In her mind she could envision a circle, it ran from yellow to red then blue as she took a deep breath- willing away her more unstable feelings. To hide it in the recesses of her mind. But, a part of her knew that it would never leave- that circle would remain, swirling in her subconscious while she tried to understand. Oddly, that thought wasn’t the most frightening thing.

Beep.

But, it was still a bitch to listen to.

So, she tried to make it stop, first by sheer force of will- attempting to think it away. As if her mind controlled it’s source somehow. But, it remained, only faltering when her heart started to slow.

Then, she tried to ask it to stop, to go away and leave her alone with her thoughts. As if she could reason with it. But, the words came out wrong- came out hoarse and lacking any real meaning or semblance to the English language. Her throat was scratchier than sandpaper as groans, chirps, moans, squeaks, wheezes, and whines that might have once been a ‘please’ or ‘stop’ sliced its way past her lips.

Well, that wasn’t going to help.

Somewhere, far away, too far for her barely functioning eyes to see past the film of blurry vision, something had started to move. In the back of her mind, she could swear that it was footsteps. But, she ignored it- believing herself mad from whatever was keeping her so lost.

Next, she tried to blindly reach for the beeping beast that tormented her so, only for her hand to abruptly bash against something sharp and for pins and needles to spike through her arm. But she didn’t feel any pain, not really. Where she had hit, however, in her blind swing of stupid, a loud crash followed as well as the skittering of glass that resounded everywhere on the ground.

Well… shit.

Not wanting to repeat her mistake, she tried to look around the room once more- forcing herself to sit up, using the pillows as a cushion against the cold, metal bed frame so that she could get a better vantage point as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes aggressively, till spots formed.

Eventually, after a minute or so of aggressive rubbing and blinks, her vision finally cleared, and more questions than answers came to mind.

First of all: she was in a room, that she already knew. On either side of her was an empty bed, neat and uniform. Directly beside her was a small wooden end table: every inch of it was covered with flowers in a rainbow of vases, balloons filled the air above with well-wishes, and where space could be found- cards. So many cards. Her name was on every single one- she didn’t even think that she had known that many people. On the ground- shattered in a million pieces, was what she had at first believed to be an odd plaque, however, when she picked it up, it had turned out to be a glass picture frame. In it was a headshot of some random asshole with the shittiest manbun she’d ever seen in her life. Just seeing him made her think that he was the biggest, smuggest dick on the earth. But his fugly mug was not the only thing, along with his face were some squiggles she assumed might have been his name or an indecipherable code.

She had no idea who the hell that man was if he was some distant asshole family member or some celebrity who’d stopped by her room while playing at charity. She didn’t know. Yet… he seemed oddly familiar like he knew him from somewhere. So, she pocketed the picture, leaving the broken frame on her bed as she looked around the room some more. She was starting to get an idea of where she was.

In the corner, beside a large window that overlooked a lobby of sorts, was an open door. In the doorway stood a figure, a person in a uniform of black, white, and a smidge of blue- revealing letters and numbers that must have been their name. Their hand was on the doorknob as they stared down at the chaos she had created in her confusion early, truth be told- she was still lost. Nevertheless, it was nice to see a friendly face… or any face at all, really. She felt less overwhelmed as they watched her watch them.

The pins in her arm still burned from lack of use as she raised her other- less accident prone arm, sheepishly smiling at them as they hesitantly stepped inside. The figure was a woman, pleasant and well cared for. Her face was bare, soft and held the simplest of smiles as she made her way to her bed. On her temple was an LED, she was an android. A nurse making her rounds. In her hand was a clear glass filled with what she thought to be grape juice.

At least that’s what she hoped for it to be… that or booze. Either way, she could go for a drink.

“Good morning,” The woman’s voice was like velvet as she gently gave her the cup, it was heavier than she had suspected- but then again she suspected that everything was going to be more difficult.

“Mornin’, how are you?” The question slipped out as she pressed the cup to her lips, she hadn’t even thought about it as she said it. But, the woman paused as she adjusted her those scratchy sheets to cover her bare legs again. The Blue LED on her head shook as she stared into space, turning yellow as the abyss made her silent for a few heartbeats. At first, she had thought that somehow she’d broken the woman, said a code phrase that deactivated her or caused her to spontaneously self-destruct midthought. But, then that soft smile of hers returned and the woman finished her frivolous task, stepping away just a tad too quickly.

“I… am fine, thank you for asking. Are you feeling well?” The question was ambiguous as she tried to think it all over. Physically she was sore and groggy like her body was stuck in a fog she just couldn’t escape from. Mentally? Yeah, no… she wasn’t willing to open up those can of worms if she could help it.

“Sore mostly, like I’m covered in pins and needles. Say, do you… do you know what happened to me, perhaps?” The words left her lips far too quickly for her to really process as the woman took a step back, her hand rose to her temple, where the blue LED blinked.

“You had been placed in a medically induced coma for the past sixteen weeks on orders by Dr. Warwick, after receiving a trans-femoral and forequarter amputations caused by-”

“I’m sorry, wot?” She interrupted, not believing her ears at what just came out of her mouth as she stared her down with wide eyes. She hadn't even noticed when her words came out wrong. “A what?”

“A Transfemoral and forequarter amputation. A Transfemoral amputation is the removal of the lower limb between the hip joint and the knee joint, commonly referred to an above-knee amputation, while a forequarter amputation is the removal of the entire arm, including the scapula and clavicle.” Her words made her sick, sicker than she’d ever felt in her entire life. The world started to spin again, her eyes started to roll, and disbelief choked the air out of her lungs as the cup clattered down, spilling all other her lap.

Amputation.

_Amputation._

**Amputation.**

That word was stuck in her head, repeating like a broken record as she shook. No, no, no! That couldn’t be true- could it? Surely not. She raised her hands to her face, hiding from the world as it started to swallow her whole. Her palms were warm and clammy against her face, a minor comfort in the storm as her world fell apart at the seems-

Wait.

She paused, pulling her hands away. Air bubbled in her throat as a sob broke out she had both hands, they were both there. What the woman beside her said wasn’t true, didn’t process through her thick skull until she started to notice. Small differences, thinner fingers, elegant compared to her left, smoother skin uniform in color, blue veins, and a soft thrumming that danced under the surface of her right hand as she traced the branches under the skin. It shook under her touch- she shook. Her body buzzed with nervous energy. She could still feel, but, it was diluted, dimmer than what it might have been before. When she had her real, living flesh.

The realization took time, her brain didn’t want to accept the truth that was right in front of her. Didn’t want to face the fact. But, then the worlds caught up. This- this wasn’t the only removal, the only amputation.

The cheap sheets were ripped from her body with a violent tug, throw across the room without even an afterthought, the glass of juice clattering and shattering against the window. Purple splattered in every direction as she raised her legs from the bed.

They were both there, shaking from the sudden breeze she created in her haste, on first glance nothing looked amiss, pale, but only one had goosebumps, the right one. The left one was covered in sterile white bandages that went all the way to her hip. It wasn’t the only thing she’d noticed. No, now she was searching, hunting for every little thing that was amiss with her body. She had to be sure, had to know and see what had been done to her. What was etched into flesh that she couldn’t remember, what was **_lost_** to her forever.

She wasn’t wearing a catheter nor was she completely covered in wires- just one stuck over her heart and a discarded pulse oximetry dangling over the edge where she must have ripped it off in her startled awakening. That was it, not even a breathing mask. Had they, had they anticipated her waking up so soon? Yes, yes surely that was it, she tried to rationalize, use her brain when all it wanted to do, was shut down.

But, when she removed the bandages against the protests of the android nurse, she saw what had been done to her. The brutality of it all.

Long, jagged scars rained down the top of her thigh, angry things that went every which way they pleased. They had no real rhyme or reason. But, in the middle, just above her knee was a long, surgical line- uniform, white and healed well over. She unbent her knee, raising her leg high up in the air, the android did nothing but watch, hands wrung against one another as she watched her examine the damage.

Her left hand slowly slid over the limb, catching on the deepest gashes but picking up speed as she rolled her ankle. The surgical scars didn’t go all around, vanishing between her legs and reappearing on the other. On the plus side, she probably only had to shave one leg from now on; the downside was that her **ENTIRE FUCKING LEG AND ARM WAS NOW GONE** , strange synthetic copies left in their wake. Perfect but flawed compared to the rest of her body. _Flawed in their perfection._ The thought was all-consuming as she let her legs fall back down on the bed. The android looked on, helpless, as she went through each stage of grief in rapid succession.

Denial.

Anger.

Bargaining.

Depression.

Acceptance.

Each took its toll, tugging away at bits and pieces of her mind. Yet, they all had their own part to play in this moment of her life.

Shock came with her Denial. They danced hand in hand, tugging at her heartstrings.

Anger left little room for Bargaining, she had no way to know how. But she’d be damned if she didn’t hate the bastard(s) who did this to her. If there was ever a god, she hoped that he’d make them pay.

Then came Depression. Depression stayed the longest, longer than the shock, denial, anger, bargaining. All of it. Sobs forced their way through her body as the android gently sat down beside her, gently patting her back when she started to choke on her own tears.

The last was Acceptance. It took time, and she didn’t truly believe that she actually had it all set in tone. But, for now, she’d try to accept her loss- even if she knew that this wasn’t the half of it. The circle she envisioned inside her head was yellow, spinning in circles over and over again at all the feedback she gave.

No, she hadn’t accepted any of this- in fact, she doubted that she had truly gone through each stage of grief properly, just simulated it in her mind, pretend to get it all over with again. It went red then back again. Her emotions continued to spike, but she chose to ignore them. To soldier on until she was home again.

**_Then she’d let everything out._ **

“I… thank you, I’m so sorry. I shouldn't have...” She turned back to the android, guilt flooded her system, she hadn’t… she hadn’t meant to react this way. Anguish swelled in her heart as tears threatened to spill over, her lip trembled, pouting as rain poured down throughout her mind. The android smiled, eyes warm as she got up once more.

"This is common for patients who have gone through significant trauma. Do not think less of yourself, you've gone through a terrible experience and came out of it alive." Her words reminded her of a doting mother talking to a child who had scraped their knee. Her mind turned blue as she felt herself slag, slouched in on herself as she watched her pick up the largest pieces of glass on the floor. She still felt horrible, still wanted to help as she swung her legs over the edge.

Her left leg showed signs of deep muscle atrophy and poorly healed stress fractures along her tibia. 

But, that was the worst of the damage she could see at first glance. It didn’t _look_ like the worst injuries to be had…

She forced herself to stand up, joints cracked ominously as she did so and halfway up she started to feel light headed. It had been a long, long time for her body to do so many things at once, to hold all of her weight up. So it wasn’t the biggest surprise when she ended up out of breath from simply standing, her human hand clutched the bedrail at the end for balance in a death grip. Her legs were even worse than jelly as she took her first step-

And fell promptly on her own ass.

“Oh shi-”

The wind was knocked right out of her, the android turned to discard the glass in a trashcan before rushing to her side, helping her stand with only the most _polite_ of reprimands.

“You should force yourself to sand, here sit down right here and let me clean,” She tried to protest, tried to rise to the occasion once more, tried to be of use. However, the android wouldn’t take _any_ of it, making her sit and passing over several cards fro the end table to keep her busy.

“But-”

“No buts... Here. You’ve been asleep for a very long time. These have been arriving here for you every day since you arrived, Why don’t you read them?” Her logic was impeccable, leaving her with nothing else of usefulness to do besides sit there and read cards while she cleaned. She felt useless. Yet, even when all she wanted to do was _help_ , she opened the first letter, doing as she was told.

The first letter was in a Golden manilla envelope, her name written on the front with perfect calligraphy. Too perfect for a normal, everyday human; at least on that, she would have known. She opened it to find several old-fashioned pictures from a Polaroid, pictures of her squad. Most were them in uniform, doing stupid shit like dancing, flashing gang signs, or drawing dicks- tagging areas. Each photo had names, dates, and brief descriptions. But one stood out from the rest; it was of her, asleep in one of the tents that they used to bunk in- various parts were strewn about the room all willy-nilly, she was covered in a large, camo coat- a blue armband and blurred letters confirmed her suspicions as she turned it around, reading the back: ‘ **R** ook. **A** sleep at work after reviving this.. me. September, **9** th 2037. **A** M 0 **9** :00:00.’

A smile fluttered over her lips, she remembered that day well. _They were stationed at a shithole checkpoint, supposed to watch out for any refugees that might have wanted to cross the border through a war zone. They had been there for weeks until this small, twitchy kid who bled blue and had a permanently red light appeared from the other side. They begged and pleaded but no one could let her through, She thought about sneaking them over the border when a human showed up, skeevy and gross- he gave off the worst vibe. So... she hid the kid, ignored every rule in the book, and then played stupid when he and the boss came looking for her. When that didn’t work, the man pulled out a gun and aimed it at her head; he ranted and raved until his arm got tired and he accidentally took a shot. She was saved by one of the SQ800’s who she’d been repairing,_ she… doesn’t remember much after that.

She knew that the Little YK ended up as _that_ squadron’s mascot, snuck treats and read to when humans started to miss home too much. And, she was made handler of the SQ unit, stuck on field missions and forced to make many hasty repairs while bullets fired over her head.

For some reason that thought made her heart start to thud, slow and loud as she stared down at the photo. Like the strange celebrity, she couldn’t quite put a name to, this one was pocketed as well. The rest were placed back in the envelope and into her lap for safekeeping.

The next few cards were simple, well-wishes and prayers sent by people she both knew and couldn’t remember even if they wore a name-tag with their life story on it.

One was from a child, a little boy no older than nine who spelled her name without any vowels but did make her a fridge worthy picture of a hand-turkey he thoughtfully named Gerald. He said that he heard about her on the news and thought that she was his biggest hero. It brought a smile to her face as she read on about what he wanted to be when he had grown up and who his favorite superhero was. This, too, was pocketed for safe keeping. She had magnets somewhere, it deserved a place on her fridge.

Another was from her mother, frazzled and sweet with too many X’s on the bottom. There was also a half listed grocery list on the back. She really needed milk and soap.

After reading most, if not all of the letters on her end table, she ended up with three piles. Keep, treasure, trash. The letters from her former squad members wherein the keeps, Notes and cards from family, friends, and excitable children became treasures, and shit she found useless and condescending ended up in the trash alongside requests for her to dance the night away at rich people’s houses. It was petty of her but she found their requests to be a low blow and she sat back on the bed.

At some point during her time examination, the android had left- the room once more spotless, save her mess on a bed.

Without supervision to stop her, she stood up once again, taking several shaky baby steps until she reached the other side without falling. It took more time than she cared to admit as she looked around, her legs felt numb as she wandered the room. At the back, past the third bed was another door- this time it led into a small bathroom with a sink, mirror, shower, and toilet all huddled in what was probably meant to be a broom closet.

She stared back at herself, searching for faults, issues, change. All she found was a set of tired eyes staring _right_ back at her, everything else was superficial.  
  
Her hair was almost to her chest now, thick and matted, it looked to have been untouched for weeks. On the plus side, she didn’t _smell_ disgusting. That was a minor relief. There were, however, more faint sets of surgical scars around her clavicle, and the ill-advised tattoo she’d gotten done from a ‘ _close_ ’ friend back when she was a teen was nowhere to be seen. She had always loved that stupid thing, even when it got her in deep shit from everyone around her. And, now... now that little piece of her was gone forever.

But enough of that, enough about life or her place. She really needed to think, to come up with a plan. She couldn’t mope or reminisce at a time like this until she was home, home where nothing bad tried to happen in her little nest. Everything inside of it made her want to scream. She missed it quite madly as she went about tinkering with her hair. Time passed slowly as the world came to a stop all around her, outside she could hear humans and androids taking, birds chirping, soft elevator music playing, and the world turning, it was all so... _relaxing_.

And, then, she got a knock at the door.

Knock!

_Knock!_

**Knock!**

 


	3. Old ties bind, old lies find.

It continued a frantic, rhythmic beat. Tap, tap, _tapping_ away at the barrier between her and the outside. She had jumped, mind going yellow from foolish instincts that were going haywire as she stepped away. Backed against the wall. Reason went out the window as yellow turned red. For a split second her mind stopped function on anything higher than fight or flight, she searched for an escape, a window, a vent- but, there was nothing. Just a simple sink, mirror, toilet, and shower head. On the ground was a drain, but she wasn't the small enough for that. There was nothing to protect herself, at least without ripping it off their hinges.

Knock.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock!

The person on the other side was getting just a tad too desperate, or they had found a beat that they particularly liked, she wasn’t sure. They just continued beating on the poor door. Beating it with a quick percussion of taps that looped.

Run; hide- but, where could she go?

Run; hide- but, what if they followed?

Run; hide- but, what if they meant her no harm?

Slowly, slowly she realized that even if they did mean her harm. She was in a hospital if she died- it might as well be in a hospital, someone would  _ probably _ find her corpse and at least try to revive her again.

At least that’s what she assumed.

So why was she so afraid?

Her  _ other _ hand held the doorknob as she slowly opened it, cracking it just so, enough for her to peek through.

In front of her door, twitchy and agitated was a man in a blazer and beanie, he used one hand to methodically hit the door, while the other clutches the life out of something blue. She knew his face, knew  _ him. _ Knew that stupid pudgy baby face of his like it was her own. Well… if that had been true she probably would have set herself on fire long ago.

“ **Leo** ?” She called out to him, opening the door wide enough for her to squeeze herself out before shutting it once again. His hand was in the air- knuckles pressed against her sternum, mid-knock. His eyes were unfocused, far away and staring right through her till she touched him, moving his hand from knocking on her.

“Yes? Hi, it’s nice, seeing you again.”   
  
“Uh… likewise?”

It took him  _ far _ too long to catch up, he squeezed the blue thing and hid it behind his back. Forcing a nervous, drowning smile to cross his lips as he stared at her face. Really, stared- it was starting to freak her out a bit.

“Leo, you okay there buddy?”

He said nothing but his lips would occasionally ‘mouth’ things, words she couldn’t really understand as he held her hand in his. Occasionally he would sniff or twitch- stuck in a thought as she tried to, well, get him talking.

“Uh… did you want something from me?” She jokingly questioned, forcing some bravado into it as she walked around him, clutching his hand just on the off chance that he did something stupid. And, considering that it was Leo she was talking about, stupid followed him like the plague. She led him back to her nest of bundled blankets and letters, as the clock in his head started ticking. Halfway there actual words came out of him.

“I came here as soon as I’d heard that you were awake.” He answered, looking around the room as he did. He was being cryptic, always so cryptic. It was creepy when his mind wasn’t all there when he didn’t even really share the bare minimum of the conversation- leaving more questions than answers.

“As soon as you’d heard?”

“Yeah.” He sniffed, agreeing as he absentmindedly began touching his nose.

She sighed, heart beating slowing in her chest as she stared back at him with a tired expression.

“Leo, I _ literally  _ just woke up maybe ten or twenty minutes ago. How in the hell…. you were in the hospital, weren’t you?” She answered her own question before it even really began. Because of  _ course _ , he would be here. Of course, he would have done something insane to get himself thrown back here. But what was it? Relapse, overdose, fighting?

Her hands constricted around his wrist as they sat down on her bed together. Their knees touched as she watched him, he was trying- and failing to evade her. Hands shaking as he used his sleeve as a snot rag. She wrinkled her nose but said nothing.   
“Oh, Leo… What did you do?”

“Look, it wasn’t my fault. I mean, well. I… Listen-” He paused when he looked back up at her. He seemed tense, scared? Her eyes narrowed- analyzing his every little word and mannerism with an inquisitive eye. Something just wasn’t  _ quite _ right. It was like he was trying to explain it all way into a tiny basket, pretend it wasn’t as bad as it really was. When really the basket was two miles deep and he still had no room.

That was when she spotted a dark bruise that had blossomed under his hair on the back of his head. Small, pink blotted slips of gauze were barely visible from underneath his stupid beanie. Pins and needles went down her spine as she slowly took his hat off, revealing bloodied bandages. He winced when she made him duck his head down- so she could get a better look.   
  
It was new, maybe less than a day old. Whoever had patched him up had given him the flimsiest, piece of shit stitches she’d ever seen. But a part of her doubted that he was even conscious of it. It looked bad.

She fingered through his hair, tracing the damage slowly as he used her collarbone as a headrest. There was a small dent near the base of his skull, he must have been hit by something blunt. Something big, but what? The idea that he’d gotten jumped or been attacked went through her mind in waves, first as a soft yellow light that tugged at all sense of reason, then red as it wormed its way into her heart. She didn’t like it, didn’t want to think about it. The idea made feelings she didn’t really want to have come back to the surface.

Neither of them had even noticed it  _ when _ she had actually wrapped her arms around his neck, curling up to him like a loyal dog as they had a moment. Warmth seeped into her system, making her never want to leave. Never want to stray. Never want. Dopamine flooded her brain. Her mind hazed over as time went on and she felt like the world had color again as they stayed together in her hospital room, ignoring the world around them. This was better than any drug out there. For a while, she felt safe and grounded in his arms, aware and unknowing all at the same time. It was bliss, pure and simple. She didn’t want it to end.

But, he ruined it, like all the other good things that they’d ever had together over the years, Leo Manfred killed it. The mood was dashed. Dead, run over a million times and kicked for good measure. Ruined by his own brain finally connecting everything she had said and going back to a conversation they weren’t even having anymore.

He clipped her chin when he jerked away, finally awake. His eyes were blown, a brown ring barely visible around his pupils. Her jaw didn’t even hurt, but her ego took a nosedive as he held her away at arm's length. The warmth that she felt was dashed, left as a smoldering ruin as he looked into her eyes for what felt like the first time in a million. She didn’t even want to think about it as he licked his lips and smiled at her, thumbing around his own wounds like a nervous tick.

“It’s, It isn’t as bad as it looks. I’m actually up for release- if they don’t run tests… Need to leave before then. Can’t get... Oh, yeah. Here, I got you something- it reminded me of you.” Without much ceremony he shoved the blue thing into her stomach, knocking the wind out of her in the process. Bells began to go off in her head. She’d known this fuckhead for years,  _ years, _ and he never did sweet things unless he wanted something or wasn’t fully there. But, as she picked it up, examined it up close; she didn’t hear him go into his usual spiel or take advantage. No, no instead he just sat there, watching her.

It confused the shit out of her. But, honestly, she was still coming down from her high and her body felt like a live wire. She doubted that her feelings were this eclectic as they felt right now.

“Do, do you like it?” His voice was soft, too soft for her heart or its own good as he remained giddy in his seat. His emotional highs were always too much for her as he brought her own mind back down, down to the soft blue thing in her hands.

It was a little teddy bear, cute and simple. Its eyes were two black buttons that stared back at her with a curious zeal to them. One was bigger than the other. And, its mouth was a tiny stitched on x with the ends barely holding on for dear life. In its pudgy little hands was a chess piece, a white and black striped Rook. She couldn’t stop herself, her lips began to hurt as she tried to keep herself from smiling so hard. It literally made her heartache as she clutched it to her chest. Then, it **_squeaked_** _!_

She was in love.

“Aww… I love it. Thanks Leo.” The words came out as a whisper, she felt him move, closer than he was before. He practically caged her against the headrest as he rested his head against her shoulder, the one that was still hers. Air felt thick as he hugged her on his own volition, his nose was pressed against her neck, and she wanted to scream. The feeling from earlier flooded back as she once again let herself fall.

Feelings she had tried to store away in hidden corners and compartments were now starting to fill her brain as yellow became blue. Leo was quiet for quite a while, leaving her to her own thoughts as she continued to keep falling into the abyss. Everything that had happened, every thought that she could and couldn’t remember stayed away. She was just… her again.

She missed that.

Missed the feeling of just… being. Even though she didn’t want to, didn’t want to let herself be like this again. Being here, safe and sound, with someone she knew, someone she cared for… It reminded her that she was still human. That no matter how much she lost, no matter the fact that she couldn’t remember their faces or how she got here, she was still her.

And somehow Leo fucking Manfred reminded her of that.

“Can I ask you for something?” He question, her heart stopped, broken in place.

She knew it. Knew it. Knew it.  **Knew it!** Leo never did something without reason, never went to her without an agenda he wanted filled. Half-alive memories surfaced in the back of her mind of every good thing she had with him and how it was  _ tainted _ . How his stupid addiction kept her tethered to him and how much it  _ hurt _ .

“God fucking damn it, Leo! What do you want? Did you only come here just so you could hurt me?” The venom was thick, too thick as she bit back her true feelings. She saw red, brutal bloody, red. She felt scorned and thrown about like a dirty rag. He tensed, still holding her against him as she slowly began to seeth in his grip. She noticed that she couldn’t really move her arms.

Smart.

“It… it’s not like that, I just. I just wanted to spend time with you. You’ve been gone for so long and I, just, missed you.” It was like he was talking to a wounded animal, and maybe that’s what she really was, a tired, scared beast whose emotions were now volatile at best as she tried to think clearly.

Maybes filled her brain as affection and loyalty fought against her better instinct. She wanted to believe, wanted to trust. She didn’t want to be alone, didn’t want to go back to her own fears and worries. She just wanted to feel warm and safe. But being around Leo was more trouble than it was probably worth. Then why did she find herself wanting to give in? To try and stay where she felt grounded?

“I… I’ll think about it. I don’t even know when I’ll be discharged.” She conceded to her own selfish wants, damning herself to oblivion most likely.

Leo grinned, arms clutching her tightly before letting her go again. She felt cold when he got up, already a thousand miles away in his own head as he blabbered about getting her things and taking her home. She was left in the dust of his wake as he fled the room. Taking her ‘I’ll think about it’ as a yes.

She smiled.


	4. Old Memories surface

It took another three hours for her to get to leave, during that time she was looked over, checked on, processed, and questioned by the android nurse she’d first met after waking up and then the doctor. During that time she found out many things, things about what had happened and how she’d gotten here in the first place. But, with it came questions. Questions no one could answer.

Apparently, six months ago, she and her squad were on a mission when a bomb went off in the building they were stationed, they didn’t know how it happened or why, but they found her and three members of her team far from any of the wreckage weeks later, like this. They asked if she remembered the bomb, her escape. She said no. Truthfully, she didn’t remember that, didn’t remember anything else but flashes: a blinding light, falling, voices- so many voices, a room with blue and red splashes, and waking up- here.

Six months of her life was missing.

Sixteen weeks were spent here, even if she didn’t remember them she was still here. Still accounted for. But, even so eleven weeks were unaccounted for, she was just- gone. She questioned about her squadmates, the ones she was found with. He told her that they were sent back home, that two hadn’t made it back stateside, while the other had barely been out of critical before vanishing into the night. Never to be seen again. He thanked her for her service and gave his condolences, but, she still felt numb. The gravity of the situation was still coming back to her in waves, slowly rising to critical- drowning her without her ever even realizing it.

She had been one of only two sole survivors, she had survived certain death and was now the only one to show for it. Her comrade having gone AWOL without her. She was alone and without answers.

She felt even more lost than when she woke up, cheated even. Questions were left unanswered- never to be answered. Parts of her life were just  _ gone _ . She would never get them back again. IT WASN’T FAIR! None of this was fair! Why did it have to be her? Why did she have to live? Why did she have to survive? Hate filled her up when she thought about how much injustice both she and her squad had received at the hands of shadowed monsters in the dark. Shadows that she would probably  _ never _ get to bring into the light.

Her anger at her situation never subsided as she was led out and into the waiting room for checkout, it took only thirty minutes and then she was free. Free to go home and let it all sink in. Let out her emotions and just try to  _ cope _ .

Leo carried her things out of the lobby in an old camo grey duffel bag she’d gotten during training all those years ago. It was heavy and filled with whatever useless junk that she had with her; most were letters, her uniform, and gifts that she had been given during her stay that she hadn’t known about when she’d first woke up. Boxes and bags filled with things. Things that she’d eventually have to sift through sooner or later.

When they got outside she regretted it immediately. It was cold, raining, and the ground was wet and slick. She wasn’t dressed well for the weather, it was November in Detroit and she was in a flimsy grey tank top and blue hospital issued pajama bottoms that did  _ nothing _ to keep out the cold. She stepped closer to Leo, using him as a human shield from the wind and rain and then as a human heater from the cold. He said nothing as she shoved her hands in his pockets. He probably didn’t even notice.

Her feet were bare against the brutal concrete as they waited for the bus to show up, Leo was on his phone, typing away with just a ‘little’ too much force needed. Every so often he would sniffle or rub his nose, getting snot everywhere- her included. But, she said nothing as she stared out at the world. All around her were people; men and women, big and small, all going places, going  _ somewhere _ . They moved without a word to one another, just going places. It made her jealous. She wished that she had a direction in life, that she knew  _ where  _ she was going, that she knew  _ anything _ anymore.

She felt selfish for wanting, however, for wishing and desiring something she couldn’t have. Something she could never have. ‘You will never know what they did to you, what they took,’ It repeated in her mind over and over again like she was stuck in a loop. Like she was in a never-ending nightmare. It was a curse she could never, ever, hope to escape. She knew that the thoughts would consume her every waking moment if she let them.

So why did she do it?

Why did she think?

Her jumbled thoughts on what she had no way of knowing were interrupted by the sound of the bus stopping, it pulled up to the curb with a low hiss, stuttering in place as the doors opened. The people began to buzz, the first few would step on, one at a time, in a quick little line. But, the rest sped forward, rushing the bus in order to escape the rain. She was jostled and shoved around by speedy bodies trying to get to their destination. Her hip was clipped by a man in red as she tried to shuffle out of the way. 

Then, Leo impatiently abandoned his post as human shield/heater so that he could board the bus, vanishing into the crowd when she wasn’t fast enough. For a moment she was alone, and with solitude came those vicious, intrusive thoughts that couldn’t quite leave her be; reminding her that she was a failure, a mishap- an accident that had somehow survived death when men far better had deserved life. 

The feeling was overwhelming, but she tried to ignore it as she followed the stragglers onto the bus. Once she passed the awning, the rain came down with a renewed fury, drowning her in it until her hair became stuck to her skin and soaked through her shirt- chilling her to the bone. 

Her numb feet padded up the steps, the lights inside were dim- save advertisements and emergency lights. At the back of the bus, standing and staring back at her with blank expressions were the androids. Their LEDs were blue, softly swirling in the dim lighting as she made her way through the bus. Bodies bumbled and knocked against one another as she searched the wave of bodies for Leo.

At first, she couldn’t see him, in the dim light of the bus, everyone looked the same; dark shadows that bumbled about and knocked her around as they searched for a place to sit. She began to shake in place as the dim lights brought her mind to a place she could only remember bits and pieces of.

  
_ A room, dark and spacious. She could go from wall to wall but never to the center. Oh no, never the center. No, no, no. Never! Never! For in the center of the room was a metal table, which she hated. Hated that metal table with a burning passion- wanted to see it break and fall. Break and fall. Break and fall.   _

She couldn’t remember why. Didn’t remember where this place was, what had gotten her there. Or just  _ how  _ she remembered it. But, she remembered the walls. Remembered a feeling of helplessness as red consumed her mind.

_ The walls were thick with stone and impossible to get behind, she tried. Oh yes, she tried. Tried, tried, tried, so many times! So many. So many attempts that her fingers would bleed to the bone. To the bone. Bone. Bone! But, even then, she continued, continued scraping at the walls and corners of the room, searching for an escape. _

She stared down at her hands, they were normal- well, her  _ other  _ hand was. Her human hand was healed, nothing more than a few faded scars from a misspent youth. It didn’t show signs of clawing at walls or being damaged to the bone. She wondered why she had that memory. Remembered seeing her bones. The idea threatened to consume her as she remembered how frantic she must have been in that moment. But it wasn’t her, her fingers didn’t bleed and she wasn’t locked up in a room searching for an escape. So why did she remember it so vividly? 

Why did this memory seem so wrong? Misplaced but still there? Like it wasn’t hers to have?

Confusion filled her mind once more as she repeated the memory over and over again. Remembering things that were not there hours before. Was this progress? Or were they a failed mishmash of ideas and thoughts of what  _ might _ have been?

She would look into this at a later time when she was alone and didn’t need to think of anything else she promised herself once again. Always promising, never doing.

She was dragged out of her thoughts by an outside force, this time it was from the bus moving. It lurked forward, making her lose all of her balance as she was thrown to the floor by her own weight. Her face planted the dirty floor with a nice toothy kiss to the filth as she failed to save herself in time. Pain erupted in her face, blossoming through her nose all the way to her cheeks and jaw. Dancing in her nerves as she pulled herself up to her knees. A drowning whistle came out of her as she tried to breathe through her nose.

_ Then came the  _ **_flood_ ** .

Her  _ other _ hand shot up, smacking herself as she cupped her face. Blood started to come down; thick and sticky, as it fell through her fingertips and onto the floor while she made herself stand up again. Not many noticed her fall, even less seemed to care, and no one helped her. No one would help her get through this, they had their own lives and worlds to live through. She would have to go it alone.

Her human hand clutched the edge of a seat as she steadied herself enough to stand straight. The edges of her vision danced as she tried to blink away the feeling of nausea from her system. She felt dizzy again as she made herself look around the bus again, finally catching sight of her oh-so-loyal companion near the back. He was still on his phone, now arguing with someone on the other end, barely keeping his voice down to a very loud whisper. His face was an angry red as she made her way over to him, pushing through the horde with her bloody nose dripping down her chin and boney, android shoulder. They gave her a wide-berth of space as she went, not wanting to be touched.

As she got in earshot, she started to hear bit and pieces of Leo’s conversation.

“Yeah, yeah I know...”

“I’ll get it to you when I get it… I know...”

“I’ll get you your money, just wait-”

“Leo?” The word dripped out of her mouth before she could even stop herself in time. The effect was immediate. He shut his mouth the second she reached his side, eyes looking her over with what might have been a concerned expression.

“What happened to you?” His words were much harsher than he probably meant them to be. He looked uncomfortable and stressed- a part of her wondered if he cared or if he was in some kind of trouble. She hadn’t expected much when he shuffled in his seat, pulling off his blazer and passing it over for her to use. His hands brushed against hers with needless contact before dropping them back onto his lap, grabbing his phone again. His jacket was warm to the touch as she went to take a seat beside him.

Her bag was on the seat closest to the aisle, taking up most of the room. Leo was in the middle, curled up in a ball, while the window seat was free- probably guarded by him so that she could have a place to sit down. The sentiment in his secret gesture was sweet but difficult for her to reach as she crawled over her bag, shuffled her fat ass over his lap, and then collapsing onto the faux plush bench. Which, given her large abundance of luck as of late, was covered in something foul smelling and sticky, sticking to her skin as she tried to get comfortable.

“I tripped.”

“Tripped? You’re bleeding everywhere.”

“Oh, ya know, I just spontaneously bleed nowadays.” She joked after getting herself situated, never answering his question as she used Leo as a leg rest. Wiping her quickly drying blood over her top, leaving a streak of gore in its wake and using his jacket as a blanket to keep out the chill. It smelled like petrol, smoke, paint, and thirium, an odd combination that she knew much too well. But it seemed stronger than she remembered, potent even.

“Who were you talking to?” She changed the subject, letting her question come out of nowhere as she curled up against the back of the seat, skin now stinging as it was pulled by the adhesive stain behind her in her attempt to get comfortable. It was gross, oh so gross. She reminded herself that she would need to change when she got home else the smell would stick to her skin. “Who are you still talking to?”

Leo ran a hand through his hair and shoved his phone back into his pocket, turning his attention back to her when she tried to catch a sneak peak.

“A guy, don’t worry about it. I just need to take care of a few things later.”

“A guy? Is he causing you any trouble?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine.”

“Really?” She laughed, reaching for his arm as she knocked her head back, staring down at him through her lashes. She played with his hand as she watched him wince and fidget from the pain. So he wasn’t completely healed.

“What did he want?”

“Don’t worry about it, it’ll be fine.” His voice grew in volume as he cringed, twitching in his seat as he tried to be in any other conversation but this one.

“You sure?” She pondered, resting her head on his shoulder, not leaving well enough alone. “‘Caaaause I don’t think that it will. I heard something about money. Did he cause that bump on your head? Need me to fight him for you?”

She needled him some more, questioning, pestering him, and poking fun as they waited for their stop. This game of theirs was something she played often in the past- old and familiar territory, a game she did when she wanted to know what he was hiding. But, he gave nothing away, instead, he tried to shut her off and find something new to talk about. Something different.

“Did you talk to your mom yet? She visited you a couple of times while you were in the hospital. I don’t know if you two are still on speaking terms after what happened…” His question hit her hard. A low blow, one that she couldn’t immediately jump back from.

“Oh no, I don’t have my phone, I was thinking about calling her when I got some sleep. Though…” She paused running a stained hand through her hair, cringing at a memory she wanted buried.

_ Two years back, on New Year's Eve, she sat in a jail cell with a split lip and a black eye. Leo was in the room next door high as a kite as she tried to find a way out of this mess that she’d gotten herself into. Her mind raced as she got caught up in a life she had never really gotten used to, Eleven years of school and failed attempts at a normal life had never prepared her for when her life would hit rock bottom when she was let off and homeless. But she never went back to try again, instead, she took it out on her body: jumping into bed with a junkie and sleeping under a roof under the kindness of strangers and old friends who took pity as she tried to find herself, only to end up caught on the wrong side of the law. Her mom picked her up in the early hours of New Years along with Leo and a few of his cohorts. She said nothing to her as they drove back. To a home, she felt foreign to now. She took her back with open arms but the doubts took over her mind as she felt useless. And, her mom didn’t say a word when a week later she slipped out of the house in the middle of the night with a flyer to join the army. _

In the years after that, they had spoken, called each other when they both had the time, spent quality mother-daughter time together in between her deployments, and her mother had even helped her buy her first home when she decided to stay in her hometown. Their relationship was rocky, sure, but they kept everything bad in the past- never addressed the issue and got on with their lives.

“I probably should let her know that I’m alive and walking, can I borrow your phone?” She held out her hand, moving closer as she tried to slip it out of his pockets. He stopped her and, after some fumbling- pulled out another, newer model. Sleek and pretty she wanted to question why he used the other one at all in the first place. Then, she remembered just  _ who _ she was talking about.

Right, probably don’t want to know what he’s doing.

She took a deep breath, her hands punching in the number without a thought, holding it to her ear she waited for her to pick up.

Her lungs constricted in her chest, taking her breath away as she listened to it ring. Once, _ twice,  _ **_three times!_ **

**_“Hello?”_ ** A voice that reminded her of the angels sung through the other line, soft and kind. Her heart skipped a beat.

**“Mom?”**


End file.
